Build Your Brain Life Coaching
four principles behind build your brain life coaching
(1) The Abundant vs. Scarcity Mindset
In order to create movement and change, we need to create awareness of the primary mindset that drives our life. Abundance is the state of mind where we believe we are fully capable and fully able to be our authentic self as a man, that we are good enough, that we have what it takes even in the midst of our weaknesses. Emotions felt when we are in an abundant mindset are often and sense of gratitude, appreciation, and even awe at the miracle of life itself. This is experienced in the body with lots of energy and excitement instead of anxiety and numbness. We also find ourselves more often than not in states of flexibility, adaptability, creativity, improvisation and play. This creates collaboration in relationship, a healthy give and take of ideas, resources and energy. This doesn’t mean we don’t feel disappointment, frustration and sadness because with hope also brings the possibility to be disappointed and hurt. However, the abundant state of mind allows us to take these experiences in stride, learn and adapt from them and move towards the next challenge.
Scarcity is defined by the belief that we need to take and hold on because there is not enough to go around and that at our core we really are a failure despite what we do. The emotion here can be anything from fear, anxiety, or dread to name a few and this results in the need to control ourselves or others. This creates felt states in the body of constriction, flatness, and low energy.
A similar yet slightly different mindset that is often discussed is the growth vs. fixed mindset which will be discussed later.
(2) Naming the emotion that is hiding in the background but running much of the show.
We will spend a lot of time reflecting and creating awareness of the emotion that is present behind any interaction. When we are aware and name the emotion that we are feeling in this present moment, we are lighting up the most advanced part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex. This is where we have awareness, where we make conscious decisions.
We are not good or bad, we are human beings that have emotional states of mind. This is a concept that I hope we can use to build your brain. When you get into judging your experience as good or bad you are causing tension and constriction in your brain.
So we need to step out of the paradigm of good and bad and into being present to an emotion. Letting sadness be sadness. Instead of thinking “how fast can I get out of this sadness because I can’t stand it and I need to be happy right now.” This is our mind fighting against us which actually doesn’t make us more happy. It causes suppression of the feeling of sadness which festers in our body and this festering drains us of our energy. The problem is because we avoided letting ourselves feel sad, we are not aware that our energy has been drained and then we say with a critical voice “what’s wrong with me why am I so drained??” This is the spiral downward into depressive states of mind that can last for years. The practice of naming an emotion in the moment is a way out of this spiral.
Neuroscience shows that actively searching for things to be grateful for produces a feeling of gratitude. Before we even land on something, we have put our mind and body into a state that creates more energy and positivity than before. This is because we are practicing being intentional. This is a core skill of being mindful. We are taking hold of our brain instead of it unconsciously driving us into negative states of mind.
As men we have been largely conditioned to see emotions as feminine, weak, and unhelpful. We pride ourselves on thinking logically and rationally. Nothing wrong with this as long as we also have balance and include emotion as an equally important factor in our relationships and work life. I hope to share many examples of how emotion is often running the show, how we can trick ourselves into thinking we have acted rationally when we are actually more guided by our emotions. And how most of our motivations and energy come from emotion.
(3) Getting out of the head and into the body.
This goes right along with emotion and an awareness of our mindset. I will say many times that we can only get so far with our thinking. Emotions are actually conceptualized words for physical energies that are felt and experienced in the body. Our engagement with the body, our awareness of our physical, felt sense, can create a lot of movement and change that we would not have been able to access by trying to think harder.
You may have many practices that help you engage your body in positive ways. For guys this often looks like playing sports, working in the garage, getting out to the lake to fish or into the woods to hunt. There is research that shows that walking in the woods is a mindful activity that changes the brain in very positive ways. These are activities to build on and learn how to integrate into our modern working world.
Some other ways are simple yet often difficult to put into practice because in this busy, modern world simple practices are drowned out by demands at work and home. One of these is the practice of taking a mindful breath. Again this sounds painfully simple, and you may say “of course we are all breathing all the time.” This is your mind wanting again getting in the way. Building the skills of actually taking an intentional, mindful breath will change your brain. The more this is practiced the more you will be aware of how deep of a breath you can take and how effective this can be in shifting your state of mind and renewing your energy. We don’t need more complex tasks to build our brain, we often need to stay present with the simple. The breath is a simple yet profound practice.
(4) Leaning into relationships - Embracing interdependence and collaboration vs. cold individualism
Leaning in: When we acknowledge our need for relationship, we tap into an incredible amount of possible energy. The problem is there is a lot of fear, anxiety and stress of actually opening up in relationship and so we often end up trying to recharge by isolating. There is nothing wrong with alone time, however alone time can often be an avoidance behavior instead of real relaxation and reflection. Instead of our alone time creating energy and moving us into connection with others, it becomes a habit of isolation and drains us from real energizing behavior.
The very fact that you are at this website is one step in the beginning of reaching beyond yourself to create change. If you cannot embrace the idea that you don’t have all of the knowledge, if you have it all together, then this will greatly impede real change.
The belief that we know everything is actually lower on the scale of intelligence. Beginning to be curious and ask honest, real questions, to step into observing what is, to utilize your curiosity, grows an intelligent man.
Being honest with the data of your behavior (example: “I notice that when I don’t give myself ten minutes after I get home, I am irritable the rest of the night with my kids”), being able to describe your experience and hear feedback on it is part of this process. We can easily get stuck in our head rationalizing or idealizing our life and don’t get into describing the nuts and bolts of our behavior. We need a realistic look at what we are doing and what the practical steps are to move forward. Often when we are rationalizing or idealizing we are operating out of fear (again the emotion running in the background) because we don’t want to face our own reality and we feel shame (another emotion often running in the background) about sharing this reality with others. I hope that I will facilitate you being a much more effective observer of your own life.